My new book drops in two months. It’s called Fool Me Once: Hustlers, Hookers, Headliners, and How Not to Get Screwed in Vegas. Essentially, it’s A Tale of Two Cities, but with fewer cities and more photos.

Now, a lot of local literati have criticized my decision to not appear on Oprah to promote my book. There’s been a lot of speculation as to why I won’t go on the show, and I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight:

-Am I afraid of getting “the James Frey treatment”? Of course not. Have you seen what the James Frey treatment did for James Frey’s book sales? Through the roof.

-Am I “pulling a Jonathan Franzen”? Please! That Franzen guy is a hack. I can’t even remember the last time he published a book.*

Does my refusal to appear on the show have anything to do with Oprah expressing no interest whatsoever in having me on her show?

Nope. Here’s the deal: I’m holding out for Bonnie Hunt.

*Editor’s Note: 2 months and 6 days ago.