Two days ago I got kicked out of Gold Coast for card counting. I was playing at the ten-dollar minimum bet table, so I didn’t think they’d watch me too carefully, but clearly I was wrong. I’d only been playing an hour. The pit boss told me they security had tracked my play over fourteen double-decks. At first, I played dumb, and the pit boss went, “Sir, let’s not insult each other’s intelligence here.”

What a diplomat.

When I get back to Vegas next week, I’ll try counting at a different casino. Hopefully they’re not in sync.

IN OTHER NEWS

I don’t often say obnoxious things, but often think of obnoxious things I could say. For example, yesterday I was flying back home to Michigan to do a book reading, and on the plane I was reading Psychology Today magazine, and I didn’t have my personal light—the one next to the air jet—turned on because it was too bright and hurt my eyes. So the stewardess came over, gave me a funny look, reached above my head and turned my light on for me, and then gave me another funny look. I just looked back at her.

“What,” she said, “you like reading with the light off?” She said it like I had offended her.

Here’s what I probably should have, but didn’t say in response: “What I like is like making decisions for myself.”

I chickened out thought.