A month ago I bought a Casio 76-key electric keyboard. It came with a list of 13 “IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS.” Number five, for example was “Do not use this apparatus near water.” And number 11 was “Only use attachments/accessories specified by the manufacturer.”

I now present you with IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS numbers one through four:

(Before I do, please believe me when I say this is not a joke. Really. This is what safety instructions one through four say. Swear to God. Okay? Okay.)

1. Read these instructions.
2. Keep these instructions
3. Heed all warnings
4. Follow all instructions